Clipart Image So You Know the Muffin Man
| Frederic Lynwood | |
|---|---|
| Frederic Thomas Lynwood, photographed using Witchcraft. | |
| Life: | 1563 Yorkshire, England -
|
| Evil Calibration Rating: | 2 - Dumbass, Cook |
| Crimes: | Murder, Baking |
| * His death was by accidental choking | |
"His muffins suck. His pastries suck. He sucks." — Oscar Wilde on the Muffin Man
Frederic Thomas Lynwood (1563 - 1612) also known equally the Muffin Human being and The Drury Lane Dicer was England's first documented serial killer, accused of killing up to fifteen children and seven rival pastry chefs during the years of 1589 to 1598.
His nickname The Muffin Homo is actually a reference to how he committed the murders. By local folklore, it is said Frederic would necktie a muffin to a cord, and as a child tried to get information technology, he pulled the string, eventually luring the kid to his house and giving him ample fourth dimension to knock the kid out with a wooden spoon. However, people ofttimes question whether these children actually died from beingness browbeaten with said wooden spoon or if the Muffin Man would kill them some other way.
Contents
- 1 Life
- i.1 Childhood
- 1.2 Developed Life
- i.2.1 The Murders
- 1.2.2 Incarceration
- i.3 Expiry
- 1.four Postal service Mortem
- 2 The Vocal
- 3 Trivia
- 4 Encounter As well
Life
Childhood
Frederic was built-in to Jebidiah and Lauren Lynwood of Drury Lane. Jebidiah, a local baker at the Utility Muffin Research Kitchen, would often abuse Frederic with an iron spatula, and at one indicate according to his diary, Frederic was raped in a traumatic and life changing situation involving a pastry bag, butter, and most chiefly a muffin, which is what he had got later his father had finished his "concern". Cleaved, aback, and confused, the muffin would afterward exist what symbolized what he would later on do in his adult life.
Adult Life
Frederic got a chore as the local rapist at historic period 15, a task he would continue with popularity until he was 20, when the Rex Henry VIII banned peasants from being raped, a result of his unpopularity. He inverse his name to Bob for a brusk period and sold apples out of a barrel on street corners: hence the expression "bobbing for apples".He would then revert to his skills his begetter taught him in baking. Frederic was never a popular bakery. People ofttimes complained that there was too much cyanide in their Bismarcks, or their Baklava contained besides many shards of glass. Eventually, Frederic'due south bakery would get out of business, though he would even so sell a few pastries to daring teenagers in his hilltop business firm.
Creative person representation of the muffin human being in his after years.
Several years after, with dementia setting in, Frederic would setup store over again, though this time he would meet even more anger for such pastries as "glazed pagan", "arsenic apple crisp", and "the flaming friar". However, he was able to stay in business with these pastries until his decease several years after.
The Murders
Children would oft frequent Frederics store and he would be driven crazy because of it. Kids brimming full of the saccharide and steroids in the pastries he fabricated ran around his shop for hours on stop until they needed to become to bed. To cease the menstruum of children murder would exist his selection in the mode described several paragraphs in a higher place. However, as stated knocking a child out with a Wooden Spoon does not equate to murder in most people's minds, really. The children were still scared shitless and didn't frequent his shop anymore.
All the same, Frederic was as well jealous of other chefs in town. In total he killed seven rival pastry chefs:
- Chef Randall: Drowned in brownie batter
- Chef William: Brain beaten to decease
- Chef Carver: Too much "BAM!" with a matchlock
- Chef George: Flattened with pivot
- Chef David: Cooked to a gilded brown
- Chef Aaron: Shaked and Baked
- Chef Adam: Killed with a Mortar after tripping over a Pestle
Incarceration
Frederic was somewhen caught afterwards a sneaking suspicion of foul play past the British police later the decease of Chef Adam. He was arrested after a high speed carriage chase as a result of one of his wheels breaking afterwards running over a small rock in the dirt road. By orders of the Rex he was given a slightly painful slap on the wrist, and then he was prepare free, just to be pummeled by an angry mob several minutes later.
Expiry
Several years after being pummeled past an angry mob, Frederic would be eating his dinner, when he decides to smash a cockroach with his fork, merely to striking his hand, causing him to scream and choke on a dumpling. Frederic'south neighbor attempted to resuscitate him using leeches, but it was too belatedly, he was already dead for several hours. His mother held a funeral service for him 2 days after.
Post Mortem
Frederic was buried face down in a log under a erstwhile British church, which in 1987 was torn downward to brand fashion for a McDonalds. The McDonalds would subsequently go out of business later an incident involving an Egg McMuffin. The franchise would be replaced by a section store, which would be mysteriously burnt down after the structure of a cookie shop. Currently the area where Frederic is buried has returned to an undeveloped lot, but it is expected to exist the site of a stadium for the 2014 globe cup should the U.k. exist able to host it. Yet, rumour has it he has risen once more as a zombie and created a terrorist organization known equally GBM which he volition use to reek his revenge.
Hansel and Gretel was inspired by Frederic after a terrible rumour gone awry afterwards several decades of deformation
The Song
The vocal Do You lot Know the Muffin Homo? was used equally a warning to small children of the presence of the killer during his life of crime, and to assist identify his modus operandi and so that children tin can study him to the authorities. Here is a version of the song annotated in order to aid you translate the lyrics in the manner originally intended past concerned parents centuries agone. Note: This interpretation was based on the theories of Doctor Isaac Lynwood, a descendant of Frederic, rather than bodily letters betwixt parents detailing the interpretation of the song. It is generally accustomed to be the actual meaning of the song.
| " | Do you lot know the muffin man/The muffin man/the muffin man? | " |
YOU Will DIE. HE Volition EAT YOUR SPLEEN WITH HIS TENDON.
| " | He lives on drury lane. | " |
RUN Away, CHILDREN! RUN Abroad FROM THE PAIN!
Trivia
- The muffin homo was subject of the movie Drury Lane Dicer, featuring Tom Cruise as Frederic Lynwood.
- He was referenced once and visited once in the Shrek trilogy, though at that place is no testify he had a French accent, nor is there evidence that he had the mental chapters to create a behemothic Gingerbread human being.
- The Gingerbread Man's reference to the muffin human is a reference to an imaginary friend Lynwood had as a child, though it was not a gingerbread man merely rather a gumdrop button.
- It is probable that Reke the Talking Muffin is a direct descendant from the Muffin Human being, due to a 3-fashion matter involving vodka, a spoon, and a blueberry muffin.
- Frank Zappa would later apply Jebidiah's kitchen as a recording studio. Several years later he would die of prostate cancer.
- Starbucks plans to release the Glazed Heathen pastry in honor of the muffin man
- The Muffin human being had several kids, though he retained custody of none of them after a divorce with his wife "Chippy", the neighbor'southward goat.
- Jack the Ripper was too suspected of beingness a pastry chef
- Frederic, for one, cares less for cupcakes!
See Also
- Jack the Ripper
- Starbucks
- England
- Muffin
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Source: https://en.uncyclopedia.co/wiki/The_Muffin_Man
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